Clybourne Park Read online

  (Phone rings. FRANCINE enters.)

  BEV

  (continuous)

  – Why not just sit in a chair all day and wait for the end of the world but I don’t intend to live the remainder of my life like that and I think you could take notice of the fact that talking that way frightens me.

  FRANCINE

  (answering phone)

  Stoller residence?

  RUSS

  (quietly, to BEV)

  Not trying to frighten you.

  FRANCINE

  Who may I say is calling, please?

  RUSS

  (to BEV, quietly)

  Ulan Bator!

  FRANCINE

  Excuse me, Miz Stoller?

  BEV

  Who is it?

  FRANCINE

  Mister Lindner wanting to talk to you.

  RUSS

  (with a groan)

  Ohh for the love of –

  BEV

  (to FRANCINE)

  Tell him I’ll call him back.

  RUSS

  Not one thing it’s another.

  FRANCINE

  (phone)

  Mister Linder, she wonders if she can call you back?

  BEV

  (overlapping FRANCINE, to RUSS)

  I only mean that people are concerned about you – (cont’d.)

  RUSS

  (overlapping)

  Well, what’s the nature of the concern?

  BEV

  (continuous)

  – and I don’t see the point of spurning their good intentions.

  RUSS

  Gee whiz I’m just reading a magazine.

  FRANCINE

  (to BEV)

  Says he’s calling from a pay phone.

  RUSS

  (to FRANCINE)

  Just say we’re occupied.

  BEV

  No, I’ll take it, thank you Francine.

  (to RUSS, as she crosses)

  I’m just repeating what Barbara said.

  (into phone)

  Hello?

  RUSS

  (to himself)

  Barely know the woman.

  BEV

  (phone)

  No no no, it’s just, we’re in a state of disarray, Karl.

  RUSS

  Somehow I spurned her.

  (As FRANCINE returns to the kitchen, the front door opens and JIM sticks his head in. He is a youthful minister – wears a clerical collar under his jacket.)

  JIM

  Ding-dong?

  RUSS

  (seeing JIM, not rising)

  Oh. Uh, hey, Bev?

  JIM

  May one intrude, he politely asked?

  RUSS

  (to BEV)

  Jim’s at the door.

  BEV

  (seeing JIM, she mouths silently to him)

  Oh, oh, oh! Come in!! Come in!!

  (into phone)

  Karl, I can’t hear what you’re saying.

  JIM

  Russ, my friend, I am crossing the threshold!

  RUSS

  Hey Jim.

  JIM

  (looking around)

  Holy Toledo Jiminy Christmas.

  RUSS

  Bev’s on the phone.

  JIM

  Hate to be the one to break it to ya, buddy, but somebody made off with yer stuff!

  RUSS

  Kinda discombobulated.

  BEV

  (phone)

  Oh, Karl, I don’t think so, not today.

  JIM

  (to RUSS)

  S’not the big day, is it?

  RUSS

  (to JIM)

  No no. Monday.

  BEV

  (phone)

  No, it’s just, Russ is a little under the weather.

  JIM

  Piece of advice. Watch out when you start lifting things. Learned that the hard way last month.

  RUSS

  (preoccupied with BEV)

  Izzat right?

  JIM

  (to RUSS)

  Ohhhh yeah. Judy says Jim, I gotta have me this spinet piano, a task which naturally falls to me – (cont’d.)

  BEV

  (phone, overlapping)

  Well, if it’s absolutely necessary.

  JIM

  (continuous)

  – and there I am with this thing halfway up the front steps and me underneath. And of course, it’s not the weight, you know. It’s the angle – (cont’d.)

  BEV

  All right, Karl.

  (Hangs up.)

  JIM

  (continuous)

  – which is why they tell ya to bend the knees.

  BEV

  (re: JIM)

  Well, will you look what the cat dragged in?

  RUSS

  (to BEV, re: the phone call)

  What was that about?

  JIM

  Bev, I am trying to bestow the pearls of my wisdom upon this man.

  RUSS

  (to JIM)

  No no, I was listening.

  BEV

  Oh, isn’t it just a jumble in here, all of this?

  JIM

  S’what I was saying to Russ, said somebody cleaned ya out!

  RUSS

  Not coming here, is he?

  BEV

  Oh, I don’t know. You know Karl.

  JIM

  Karl Lindner?

  RUSS

  Bev?

  JIM

  Ohmigosh. Ya got a look at Betsy lately?

  BEV

  (eyes wide)

  Oh, I know.

  JIM

  Give that girl a wide berth.

  BEV

  Jim, can I get you some iced tea?

  RUSS

  (to BEV)

  Maybe call back and ask him to come later.

  BEV

  It was a pay phone.

  (to JIM)

  Oh oh oh oh oh! I know! Now wait. Now Jim: I am going to ask you a question:

  JIM

  Huh-oh!

  BEV

  (to RUSS).

  And don’t help him.

  (to JIM)

  Now: I want you to tell Russ what you think the word Neapolitan means.

  RUSS

  (to JIM)

  She thought -

  BEV

  Shhhhhhh!!! You’re not allowed to say.

  JIM

  Well, that’d be your basic vanilla, strawb–

  BEV

  No no. The derivation.

  RUSS

  I told her what I th–

  BEV

  (to RUSS)

  Shhhhh!!!

  JIM

  Uh, think it’s Naples, isn’t it?

  BEV

  Ohhhhh phooey.

  JIM

  Or Napoli, as we like to say.

  (FRANCINE enters.)

  BEV

  You two are cheating. And then – well, Russ’s in a funny mood … he keeps going (trying to do what RUSS did) Oo-lan Ba-tor!

  JIM

  Whatzat, capital of Nepal?

  RUSS

  Mongolia.

  JIM

  Mongolia. So then what’s the Nepalese – Do ya say Nepalese?

  BEV

  (chuckles, slaps RUSS’s arm)

  I hope it’s not Ne-politan!

  RUSS

  Kathmandu.

  JIM

  Kathmandu!

  BEV

  Oh, well, I don’t even know why you two know these things.

  FRANCINE

  Miz Stoller?

  JIM

  Knowledge is power, Bev.

  BEV

  Then I choose to remain powerless.

  (to RUSS)

  Do it again.

  RUSS

  Do what?

  BEV

  How you said it.

  RUSS

  No.

  BEV

  Do it, Russ.

  RUSS

  No.

  BEV
/>   Do it for Jim.

  RUSS

  Bev?

  BEV

  Why not?

  RUSS

  Sorry, Jim.

  BEV

  Why for me but not for him?

  RUSS

  Well, for one thing, ’cause it’s not funny.

  FRANCINE

  Excuse me, I’m fixing to go, so if you need something else?

  BEV

  Oh. Yes. One thing. Francine, you remember that big trunk that’s upstairs?

  RUSS

  No no no no. Bev?

  BEV

  She doesn’t mind.

  RUSS

  Just told you I’m doing it.

  BEV

  You said it’s a two person job, and here’s two of you right here.

  RUSS

  Well, what’s the emergency?

  JIM

  (to BEV)

  I would offer my services – (cont’d.)

  BEV

  (overlapping)

  Oh no no no no no.

  JIM

  (continuous)

  – but I am under doctor’s orders, believe it or not.

  FRANCINE

  Well, I’m just needing to leave by three-thirty.

  BEV

  (resigned)

  All right.

  RUSS

  Francine? I am going to move the gol-darned trunk.

  FRANCINE

  Yes, sir.

  BEV

  (to JIM, mock-private)

  That’s what I get for trying.

  (FRANCINE exits. Discomfort.)

  JIM

  (to RUSS)

  Soooo –

  BEV

  Did you get any lunch, Jim? Do you want some – ?

  JIM

  No no no no no.

  BEV

  Since I guess we’re cleaning out the larder and Russ seems to be eating every last thing in the icebox, so you’ll have to fight him for the ice cream.

  JIM

  Not for me.

  RUSS

  Well, ya know. (shrugs) Can’t pack ice cream in a suitcase.

  (BEV finds this hilarious.)

  BEV

  (beside herself)

  In a suite–

  (to JIM)

  Did you hear what he just said?

  JIM

  (chuckling as well)

  Man’s got a point!

  BEV

  (slaps RUSS’s shoulder)

  How do you think of those things? Ice cream in a –

  JIM

  Not unless you’re moving to the North Pole!

  (BEV laughs harder.)

  BEV

  Thank goodness we’re not moving South!

  JIM

  That’d be a mess. No question.

  (BEV and JIM stop laughing, sigh. More discomfort, then:)

  JIM

  No question.

  BEV

  (jumping up)

  Well, I’m going to see what we do have.

  (BEV exits into the kitchen, leaving RUSS and JIM alone.)

  JIM

  Whaddya, coming down with something?

  RUSS

  Who?

  JIM

  Bev said “under the weather.”

  RUSS

  Me?

  JIM

  And here ya sit in your PJ’s –

  RUSS

  No no no no no. I’m – Took the day to – Truck coming, so –

  JIM

  I gotcha.

  RUSS

  Coupla days off.

  JIM

  Playing hooky.

  RUSS

  No no.

  JIM

  Bev’s your alibi.

  RUSS

  Just giving her a hand with stuff.

  JIM

  And you are hard at work, as I see.

  RUSS

  (smiles a little)

  No. I just.

  JIM

  Kidding you.

  RUSS

  I know. I – I – Yup.

  JIM

  Woulda come to your aid there, only I’m dealing with a little, uh, issue.

  RUSS

  Oh yeah?

  JIM

  Piano I told ya about?

  RUSS

  Right?

  JIM

  Didja ever … (lowers voice) …ever need a truss? Have to wear one of those?

  RUSS

  Uhhhh … Don’t recall.

  JIM

  Oh, you’d recall it if you did.

  RUSS

  Guess not, then.

  JIM

  Then you are a fortunate man.

  RUSS

  I hear you.

  JIM

  Bend the knees or suffer the consequences.

  RUSS

  Yup.

  (Brief pause.)

  JIM

  So, Monday, you said.

  RUSS

  Yup.

  JIM

  Off to the hinterlands.

  RUSS

  Monday it is.

  BEV

  (calling from off)

  Jim, was that a yes or a no on the iced tea?

  JIM

  (calling back to her)

  Uhhh, I would not say no to that.

  BEV

  (same)

  Russ?

  (RUSS shakes his head.)

  JIM

  (same)

  I believe Russ is declining your gracious offer.

  BEV

  (same)

  I thought as much.

  (Pause.)

  JIM

  Monday.

  RUSS

  Indeed.

  JIM

  Head ’em up. Move ’em out.

  RUSS

  Yup.

  JIM

  And when ya start that Glen Meadows office?

  RUSS

  Monday after.

  JIM

  How about that.

  RUSS

  Yup.

  JIM

  And how’s that shaping up?