Clybourne Park Page 14
KEVIN
No no no no no no –
LENA
You told a joke, now I’m telling one: Why is a white woman – (cont’d.)
KEVIN
(overlapping)
Baby, don’t.
LENA
(privately, continuous to KEVIN)
— and please don’t baby me. You’ve got three babies at home — (cont’d.)
KEVIN
(publicly, overlapping)
Good night. I wash my hands.
LENA
(continuous)
— if you need to pacify someone.
(to the others)
So:
STEVE
(raising a finger)
Uhh … can you repeat the setup?
LENA
Why …
STEVE
…is a white woman, right … ?
LENA
…like a tampon?
(STEVE looks around. No one else answers, so: )
STEVE
Um, I don’t know, why?
LENA
Because they’re both stuck up cunts.
(Pause. Again, no one laughs or smiles. KEVIN shakes his head.)
LINDSEY
(even)
Wow.
LENA
But I hope you’re not offended.
STEVE
(academically, not laughing)
See, I find that funny.
LINDSEY
Do you.
KATHY
Well, I’m offended.
STEVE
Oh, you are not.
LINDSEY
And how does it always comes back around to the women?
LENA
(innocently)
It was just a joke.
STEVE
Exactly!!
KATHY
An extremely hostile joke.
LINDSEY
Directed at me.
KATHY
And in what way am I stuck up, exactly? You mean, because I worked my ass off putting myself through law school, that makes me struck up?
STEVE
It’s a joke about a tampon!!
KATHY
And maybe there’s a difference between being stuck up and being intelligent.
STEVE
(to KATHY)
You don’t even know the fucking capital of Morocco !!!
KATHY
(insulted)
Ohhhhhhh …kay.
STEVE
And you know something? If there’s anyone here who’s being marginalized by the tide of history — You don’t exactly see me sitting in the White House, do you?
LINDSEY
Thank the Lord.
STEVE
But you don’t see me wetting my pants and acting all “offended”.
KATHY
(to LINDSEY, as she packs her things.)
You know, I think maybe I’m done.
STEVE
No. You want to know what offends me? How about the neighborhood the two of us are living in right now? Bunch of white suburban assholes still driving around with the yellow ribbon magnets on their SUVs in support of some bullshit war. That’s the kinda shit that offends me.
KEVIN
Why does that make them assholes
(STEVE stares at KEVIN.)
STEVE
Why does what?
KEVIN
Said assholes have yellow ribbons on their SU—
STEVE
I didn’t say that.
KEVIN
Yeah, you did, you said –
STEVE
I said “with” the magnet, not, you know, “by virtue of”.
KEVIN
So, it’s not the magnet makes you the asshole?
LINDSEY
(to KEVIN)
You have one on your car?
KEVIN
I have three of ’em.
STEVE
Three.
KEVIN
Three.
LINDSEY
Three?
LENA
Three.
STEVE
Three.
KEVIN
One for each member of my family serving overseas.
STEVE
Great.
(Beat.)
KATHY
I have the pink one for breast cancer.
KEVIN
So maybe I’m a triple asshole, but —
LINDSEY
(fake-whisper to KEVIN)
I think we know who the asshole is.
STEVE
Wow
LINDSEY
(finishing off STEVE)
Well you’re being an idiot. And in case you hadn’t noticed, the rest of the world has begun a more sophisticated conversation about this topic than you apparently are qualified to participate in at this incredible moment in history. I mean, I used to date a black guy. So what? I mean, seriously. Steve. Wake up.
(The same church bell that we heard in Act I begins to ring. Pause. TOM looks at his watch.)
TOM
(claps hands together)
And it is now four o’clock.
STEVE
(privately, to LINDSEY)
When did you date a black guy?
TOM
So: Final thoughts? Lena?
LENA
No.
TOM
Kev?
KEVIN
I’m good.
TOM
Anybody?
KEVIN
Very informative.
LINDSEY
Tell, I want to say this: I want to say I feel angry. And I’m basically kind of hurt by the implication that’s been made that, just because we want to live as your neighbors and raise a child alongside yours, that somehow, in the process of doing that, we’ve had our ethics called into question. Because that is hurtful.
LENA
(calmly)
No one has questioned your ethics at all.
LINDSEY
Well, I wish I could believe you.
LENA
No, what we’re questioning is your taste.
(The others rise to leave.)
TOM
Kathy? I will call you when the petition goes through.
LINDSEY
Well, that was insulting.
KATHY
Thank you.
TOM
Tuesday at the latest.
LINDSEY
Wait, what’s wrong with our taste?
TOM
(putting on sunglasses)
Kev?
KEVIN
Right behind you.
LINDSEY
No. What is so egregious about the design of our house?
KEVIN
(to LENA, who is about to respond)
No no no no no. Let it go.
(LENA exits.)
KATHY
(to LINDSEY)
Sweetie, I’ve got a thing but I’ll call you tomorrow
TOM
(to LINDSEY and STEVE)
And you guys got my number if you want to talk?
STEVE
Yep.
(TOM is gone, with a thumbs-up. KATHY follows close behind. At the same time, DAN enters from the kitchen carrying a pair of bolt cutters. The others ignore him.)
KEVIN
(to LINDSEY and STEVE)
So, uhh … good luck with your house. And maybe ya’ll can just communicate with Tom from here on out. But, anyway, uhh … (with a wave) …ya’ll enjoy the rest of your evening.
(KEVIN politely exit through the open front door. STEVE and LINDSEY sit silently for a moment, then:)
DAN
(holding up the bolt cutters)
Uhhhhh …?
LINDSEY
(quietly)
Wow.
STEVE
Wow is right.
LINDSEY
Amazing.
STEVE
(but not quietly enough)
(And instantly KEVIN is back through the front door.)
KEVIN
(advancing on STEVE)
Wait a second – what’d you say?
(All hell breaks loose.) .
LENA
(following
KEVIN)
Just leave it alone. Let ’em be. I don’t care what kinda bullshit they think, all I want to do is go home and now and take the longest shower of my life.
KEVIN
Whattya think I’m deaf or something? Standing right there on your front doorstep - Oh no, I heard you loud and clear. I’m just giving you the opportunity to repeat it to my face … (cont’d.)
STEVE
(innocently)
What? What? What? I didn’t … Hey, hey, hey, whoa. Back off, man. What is your fucking problem, dude? I didn’t do anything to you or to her so why can’t you chill?
LINDSEY
(to KEVIN)
No no no no –I told you. It’s the pressure. We’re both under a huge amount of pressure and yes he acted like an idiot but could we all just maybe step off, please?
KEVIN
(continuous, in the clear)
…and when you do? I will slap the taste outa your mouth.
STEVE
Oh oh oh good, threaten me.
LENA
Oh, now you’re gonna stand up for me?
KEVIN
Don’t you ever insult my wife, you hear me, bitch
DAN
(putting his hand on KEVIN shoulder)
Hey. Let’s be civilized.
KEVIN
(whirling on DAN)
Ohoho, don’t you touch me.
DAN
Whoa whoa whoa. That’s cool. I’m just passing through, is all.
STEVE
(to DAN)
Hey, do you mind, okay? We happen to be having a conversation.
KEVIN
(to DAN)
Go putting your hands on me? Oh, no. Not in this neighbor–
LENA
(to KEVIN)
Oh, for god’s sake, are you coming –
LENA
(continuous)
- or are you too busy trying to make friends with everybody?
(DAN backs off as two simultaneous arguments unfold.)
LINDSEY
(to STEVE)
And why the fuck did you go and insult Kathy? We are paying her, I hope you realize?
STEVE
Yeah, well you know what? I agree with them! The house is too fucking big!
LINDSEY
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh do not even —
KEVIN
(to LENA)
What the hell is that supposed to – ?
LENA
Allllllllll afternoon. Always gotta be every-body’s friend. Hi everybody! I’m Kevin!
KEVIN
(starting to exit)
Oh gimme a fuckin’ – So you want to fight with me now? Gotta pick a fight with me?
STEVE
Very first time we saw the plans. What did I tell you? I told you that like fifteen times!!
LINDSEY
Well, Steven, you’re free to live whereever you want, but the baby and I will be here if you ever feel like visiting.
KEVIN
(cont’d.)
You have had a bug up your ass from the moment we walked through this door.
LENA
Yeah, well maybe some of us don’t feel the need to constantly ingratiate ourselves with everybody.
KEVIN
Well, maybe that’s because some of us aren’t paranoid and delusional.
(KEVIN and LENA exist. By this point, DAN has succeeded in opening the trunk. STEVE and LINDSEY fold chairs and gather their things as they bicker.)
STEVE
(continuous from above)
Fine by me.
LINDSEY
Do you have the keys?
STEVE
I mean, God forbid my needs should ever come before the baby’s.
LINDSEY
You really want me to choose between you and the baby?
STEVE
Oh, I’m secondary.
LINDSEY
Cause that’s an easy one.
STEVE
Correction: Tertiary.
(As LINDSEY & STEVE continue to argue, a bespectacled young man in a military uniform descends the stairs, unnoticed and oddly out of place. This is KENNETH, played by the actor who played TOM. He carries yellow legal pad and a transistor radio. Oblivious to the scene around him, he takes a seat by a window near the front door. DAN removes a yellowed envelope from the trunk as LINDSEY and STEVE prepare to leave.)
LINDSEY
Or maybe you don’t want the baby.
STEVE
Oh! That’s funny. I didn’t know I had a choice.
LINDSEY
Oh, you had a choice.
STEVE
If only I’d known.
LINDSEY
And you chose.
STEVE
And what were the options, again? Oh that’s right. A) Let’s have a baby.
LINDSEY
Which you chose.
STEVE
Or B) I’m divorcing you.
LINDSEY
But you chose A.
STEVE
A for Arm-twisting.
LINDSEY
Do you have the keys?
STEVE
B for Blackmail.
LINDSEY
(from outside)
Do you have them or don’t – ?
STEVE
(from the door)
YES! YES I HAVE THE GODDAMN—What, you think someone’s gonna rob this place?
(DAN turns to see them exit.)
STEVE
Help yourselves. Fuckin’ shithole.
(STEVE slams the door. DAN looks around with no acknowledgment of KENNETH.)
DAN
(to the empty house)
Hello? (beat) Hello?
(He sits on the trunk, opens the letter.)
DAN
(reading to himself)
Dear Mom and Dad.
BEV
(bleary-eyed, confused)
Kenneth?
(KENNETH turns down the volume on the radio.)
KENNETH
Hmm?
BEV
What are you doing down here?
KENNETH
Writing a letter.
BEV
Oh. (beat) Did your father leave already?