Clybourne Park Read online

  STEVE

  But I didn’t say that, did I?

  LENA

  Sounded like you did.

  STEVE

  (to KEVIN)

  Did I say that?

  KEVIN

  Yeah, you kinda did.

  STEVE

  In what way did I say that?

  KEVIN

  Uh, somebody said racism.

  STEVE

  -Cism! -Cism! Not -cist!!

  KEVIN

  Which must originate from somewhere.

  STEVE

  And which we all find totally reprehesnsi–

  KEVIN

  So –are you the racist?

  STEVE

  Can I just — ?

  KEVIN

  Is it your wife?

  KATHY

  Don’t look at me.

  STEVE

  Look:

  KEVIN

  ’Cause, by process of elimination —

  STEVE

  Here’s what I’m saying:

  LINDSEY

  What are you saying?!

  STEVE

  I’m saying: Was race not a factor -

  LINDSEY

  (re: STEVE, exonerating herself)

  I don’t know this person.

  STEVE

  Were there not these differences—

  LINDSEY

  What differences!!? There’s no -

  STEVE

  (to LINDSEY re: LENA)

  Okay: She walks in here, from the very beginning, with all these issues — (cont’d.)

  LENA

  (overlapping)

  About your house.

  STEVE

  (continuous)

  – and I’m only asking whether, were we not, shall we say – ?

  LINDSEY

  You’re creating an issue. Where none exists.

  STEVE

  Oh oh oh you heard what she said. She as much as claimed that there’s some kind of, of, of secret conspiracy –

  LENA

  Oh, it’s not a secret.

  KEVIN

  (to LENA)

  Ohh, c’mon. Are you seriously — ?

  LENA

  (to KEVIN)

  Oh, please don’t be purposely naive.

  STEVE

  There. Thank you. Now you see what I’m – ?

  LENA

  This has been under discussion for at least four decades now –(cont’d.)

  KEVIN

  (overlapping, to LENA)

  You can’t prove that.

  LENA

  (continuous)

  – at the highest institutional levels of –

  (to KEVIN)

  – oh, don’t act like you don’t know it’s true.

  STEVE

  (to LENA)

  What, and now we’re the evil invaders who are –

  LINDSEY

  (to STEVE)

  She never said that!!!!

  STEVE

  —appropriating your ancestral homeland?

  LINDSEY

  (to STEVE)

  This, this, this – No. I’m sorry, this is the most asinine –

  (to LENA and KEVIN)

  Half of my friends are black!

  STEVE

  (sputtering)

  What!!??

  LINDSEY

  (to STEVE, as to a child)

  As is true for most normal people.

  STEVE

  Name one.

  LINDSEY

  Normal people? Tend to have many friends of a diverse and wide-ranging –

  STEVE

  You can’t name one!

  LINDSEY

  Candace.

  STEVE

  (beat, then)

  Name another.

  LINDSEY

  I don’t have to stand here compiling a list of –

  STEVE

  You said half. You specifically

  LINDSEY

  Theresa.

  STEVE

  She works in your office!! She’s not your “friend”.

  LINDSEY

  She was at the baby shower, Steve! I hope she not my enemy!!

  TOM

  Well, this is all fascinating –

  STEVE

  (to LINDSEY)

  Name another.

  TOM

  And while I’d love to sit here and review all of American History, maybe we should concentrate on the plans for your property – (cont’d.)

  STEVE

  (overlapping)

  Yes!! Yes!! (cont’d.)

  TOM

  (continuous)

  – which had been the original topic of the convers –

  STEVE

  (overlapping, continuous)

  The history of America is the history of private property.

  LENA

  That may be –

  STEVE

  Read De Tocqueville.

  LENA

  – though I rather doubt your grandparents were sold as private property.

  STEVE

  (to KEVIN & LENA)

  Ohhhhh my god. Look. Look. Humans are territorial, okay?

  LINDSEY

  (to STEVE)

  Who are you?

  STEVE

  This is why we have wars. One group, one tribe, tries to usurp some territory - and now you guys have this territory, right? And you don’t like having it stolen away from you, the way white people stole everything else from black America. We get it, okay? And we apologize. But what good does it do, if we perpetually fall into the same, predictable little euphemistic tap dance around the topic?

  KEVIN

  You know how to tap dance?

  STEVE

  See? See what he’s doing?!!

  LINDSEY

  Maybe quit while you’re ahead.

  STEVE

  No. I’m sick of - No. Every single word we say is - is - is scrutinized for some kind of latent – Meanwhile you guys run around saying n-word this and n-word that and whatever. We all know why there’s a double standard but I can’t even so much as repeat a fucking joke that the one black guy I know told me -

  KEVIN

  So tell the goddamn joke.

  STEVE

  Not now!!

  KEVIN

  If you feel so oppressed, either go ahead and tell it-

  LINDSEY

  (to SIEGE)

  Do not.

  KEVIN

  — or maybe you could move on.

  LINDSEY

  (with finality)

  Thank you!

  LENA

  Well, I want to hear it.

  KEVIN

  (to LENA)

  Ohh, don’t.

  LENA

  (to KEVIN)

  Why not? You’re not interested?

  LINDSEY

  No. Trust me. It’s offensive.

  STEVE

  (to LINDSEY)

  Of course it’s offensive – (cont’d.)

  LINDSEY

  (overlapping

  To me. Offensive to me.

  STEVE

  (continuous)

  – that’s the whole point of the – How? How does it offend you?

  LINDSEY

  Because it’s disgusting and juvenile and traffics in the worst possible type of obsolete bullshit stereotypes.

  LENA

  Well, now I gotta hear it.

  KEVIN

  No no no no no. Aww, c’mon.

  STEVE

  No. I can’t.

  LINDSEY

  Not while I’m in the room.

  LENA

  (to KEVIN, re: LINDSEY)

  Well, she says it’s so offensive, and I have no way of knowing if she’s right, and if I don’t ever hear it, how will I ever know?

  (KEVIN sighs, throws up his hands.)

  STEVE

  Um, you know what? I don’t even remember it now.

  LENA

  Two men in jail, you said.

  KATHY

  Oh, I know t
his one!

  LINDSEY

  (a warning)

  Steven?

  LENA

  Wasn’t that it? Two men …?

  STEVE

  I – Okay. So there’s – Look, it’s not even my joke, okay?!! It was told to me by Kyle Hendrickson, who, for what it’s worth, happens to be –

  LENA

  Black.

  STEVE

  Right.

  LENA

  So the white man goes to jail.

  LINDSEY

  (to STEVE)

  I can’t believe you actually intend to — !! Fine.

  STEVE

  Anyway.

  LINDSEY

  Knock ’em dead.

  STEVE

  Goes to jail for … you know Embezzlement. Something. Little white guy. And he’s put in a jail cell with this … uhhh …

  LENA

  With a black man.

  STEVE

  Big black guy

  LINDSEY

  (appalled)

  And why “big”? (cont’d.)

  STEVE

  (overlapping, to LINDSEY)

  I am repeating, verbatim, a joke—(cont’d.)

  LINDSEY

  (continuous)

  Why does it have to be “big”? What does that reveal about your subconscious —?

  STEVE

  (conitinuous)

  — in the precise manner in which it was told to me.

  LENA

  Little white man.

  LINDSEY

  (head in hands)

  Oh god.

  LENA

  Big black man.

  STEVE

  In the … yeah, so they … um, slam the cell door … behind him, I guess, and the black guy turns to the white guy, black guy goes, “Okay, I’m gonna give you a choice. While you’re in here with me, you can either be the mommy, or you can be the daddy” And the white guy thinks for a second and he goes, “Uh, well, um, I guess, if it’s up to me, then, I guess I’d have to say I’d prefer to be the daddy.” (clears his throat) And, the black guy goes, “Okay, well then bend over ’cause Mommy’s gonna fuck you in the ass.”

  (Long pause. No one laughs or smiles. They simply nod or shake their beads. Finally …)

  KATHY

  That’s not the one I was thinking of.

  STEVE

  (academically)

  So: Is that “offensive”?

  LENA

  No.

  LINDSEY

  Are you ins— ?!?!!!

  STEVE

  (to LINDSEY)

  To you. How is it offensive to you?

  LINDSEY

  I don’t think it’s me you should be asking,.

  LENA

  No, the problem with that joke, see, is that it’s not funny.

  LINDSEY

  No shit.

  STEVE

  (to LINDSEY)

  You laughed when I told it to you!!

  LENA

  And had it been a funny joke —

  STEVE

  It is funny. Yes it is. And and and and the reason it’s funny, is, is, is that it plays upon certain latent fears of – of – of – of white people, visa-vis the –

  TOM

  Okay. I’d like to add: I’m gay.

  STEVE

  I – I – I – I – well, I didn’t know that.

  KATHY

  See? You never know You really don’t.

  (to TOM)

  I couldn’t tell at all.

  LINDSEY

  Nice. Nice going, Steven. Nice work.

  TOM

  So I guess you think sex between men is funny

  STEVE

  Oh, come on!!!

  TOM

  Just inherently funny.

  STEVE

  And it’s not even sex, it’s rape! .

  LINDSEY

  So rape is funny.

  STEVE

  N- Yes!!! In the context of the joke.

  KATHY

  My sister was raped.

  STEVE

  I quit.

  KATHY

  So it’s offensive to me.

  LINDSEY

  And me!

  STEVE

  (re: TOM)

  And him. And them. That’s the point of the joke. To permit the expression of – And what does it even mean, “Offended”? I don’t even know what it means.

  KEVIN

  How many white men does it take to change a light bulb?

  TOM

  Okay, I’m about two minutes from leaving? So, heads up.

  LINDSEY

  No. Can we please not? I’m asking you as a favor.

  KATHY

  Aha. See? Shoe’s on the other foot now.

  STEVE

  Fine! Tell me the joke. I want to hear it. I do. (cont’d.)

  STEVE

  (continuous)

  How many white men does it take to change a light bulb?

  KEVIN

  All of ’em.

  STEVE

  And why is that?

  KEVIN

  One to hold the light bulb while the rest of ’em screw the entire world.

  STEVE

  So?!! You think I’m “offended”? I can do this all day. What’s long and hard on a black man?

  LINDSEY

  How is this happening??!!

  KEVIN

  I don’t know, Steve. What is long and hard on a black man?

  STEVE

  First grade. Are you “offended”?

  KEVIN

  Nope.

  STEVE

  Neither am I.

  LINDSEY

  You can’t be offended, you moron – (cont’d.)

  STEVE

  (astonished laugh)

  …I can’t?

  LINDSEY

  (continuous)

  — because you’ve never been politically marginalized, unlike the majority of people in the world – (cont’d.)

  STEVE

  (overlapping) .

  How can a majority be marginal?

  LINDSEY

  (continuous)

  — and, by the way, all women, everywhere, and it’s your classic white male myopia that you’re blind to that basic fact.

  LENA

  Why is a white woman like a tampon?

  (All turn to LENA. Pause.)

  LINDSEY

  Why is what?

  LENA

  It’s a joke.